February 2012
5 posts
This is a quick note to my stalker. Hello, stalker.
Me: So, how do you explain intra-plate earthquakes?
Caitlin: Things happen under the earth, where we cannot see.
Me: Like?
Caitlin: feelings, emotions, struggles.
Me: •blink•
“You cannot breath water, because water has fish in it, and fish are not air.”
– Caitlin
January 2012
6 posts
If a tree falls on a woman, and no one is around to hear it, why was there a tree in the kitchen?
“I feel sick. I think I have hoof and mouth disease.”
– Caitlin, the wonder-vegan.
Awesome. →
This is an orgy of Americana, and I love it.
Office 365 allows seamless coexistence with on site exchange. Cool feature. Now, how is it useful to me as a MSP?
December 2011
13 posts
Me: blahblahblah dinosaurs extinct asteroid child book bad physics.
Caitlin: it wasn’t an asteroid.
Me:?
Caitlin: It was the white people.
Me: read me the last email from Nate.
Siri: I can only ready you text messages.
Me: fuck you in the face. (coworkers: hahahahahahaha)
Siri: Ha ha...
I don’t often tell people what to do when it comes to politics, but I’ve got one for you today. The senate’s military appropriations bill this year includes provisions requiring the military to detain American citizens suspected of assisting Al Qaeda. Thats fine. But it also allows them to hold American citizens indefinitely without trial. That is a travesty, and a direct...
“Little known fact: Abraham Lincoln was a magician. You can tell by his hat.”
– My wife
“Titmouse. It’s a bird. Not a mouse.”
– Caitlin, while gesticulating.
“You are like a water buffalo. Fuzzy chin, no neck to speak of, furry chest....”
– My wife, discussing what animal I am.
“If there is one thing Natalie Portman knows, it’s stuffing.”
– South Park
Me, shouting to wake up my dog, while jumping on his bed: WALLY! WALLY! WALLY! WALLY!
Wally: *pokes me in the eye with his nose, and curls back up*
Me: hahahahahahahahaha
November 2011
3 posts
Wife: I want a shark. Or maybe some glass fish.
Me: The cichlids will eat the glass fish. They are territorial.
Wife: No. I don't think so.
Wife, a few minutes later: OH! Glass fish are REAL? I meant fake fish made out of glass.
Me: °sigh°
Last night, my wife asked me to clean the fish tank. We had three cichlids, Casper, Taxi, and… I don’t remember the last one’s name. We inherited the fish from the last tenants in our apartment. We cleaned the tank for the first time in four months. The water was like pea soup, green with months of algae. I took out the rocks, and drained the tank four times to clear the water....
October 2011
4 posts
“Cut the Monte Cristo in 1/2, transfer it to a place, and garnish with the...”
– A recipe. What place, exactly, should I transfer it to?
You know how you can fall asleep, wake up, and not remember your dream, but still feel the emotion? Well, that just happened to me. I woke up, and was so sad, because I was a piece of toast.
September 2011
5 posts
I just asked my wife, jokingly, how many gigga-bytes her phone had. Her answer was, without blinking an eye, “Five.”
(sidenote: she has a 16 gig iPhone.)
“What came first, the chicken or the egg?”
“The platypus…”
– My wife.
Overheard at dinner
“Today, at work, I was punched in the uterus.”
Someone called the police on my wife today. The reason? We apparently have a malnourished dog. He is a greyhound. He looks malnourished, but he is perfectly healthy. I suppose, on the one hand, I appreciate that they are looking out. On the other hand, it’s a greyhound. They aren’t big dogs. They don’t exactly get fat.
August 2011
12 posts
Me: •pulls out my diving knife to show it to a friend.
Caitlin: In case you ever need to beat off a shark.
Me: Hahahahahaha
So, I got a touchpad...
Interesting thing about the touchpad: now that it is priced to move, it’s so popular that people are lining up outside of stores to get one. It is now, without a doubt, the second most popular tablet in the world, and if HP had released it for $300 to start with, we wouldn’t be where we are now. Unfortunately, Leo Apotheker wants HP to be a software company, and couldn’t be...
On resentment.
I was thinking about a candidate that I interviewed for one of our job openings, and I was having a hard time pinpointing what it was about the individual that put me off. It dawned on me after a little while that although his technical skills were probably sufficient for the job, he was harboring significant resentment. His ex-wife, his old bosses, his family. Everything in his life has done him...
I woke up early this morning, and grabbed my iPhone to do some reading. I saw my $35 dollar invisashield screen protector, and how bad it looked, and started to take it off. I decided not to at the last minute, put my phone beside my head, and fell back to sleep. As I was sinking into my bed, I heard a ‘crack’. And then a thump. I realized that my phone was no longer next to me. I...
“You are like a salmon swimming up stream, and salmon are scary. They have a...”
– My wife, after comparing herself to a guppy, and in regard to my stubbornness.
Drive by shooting in Vermont →
Seriously? We are better than this, folks.
“But being the biggest loser in Washington these days is a bit like being the...”
– http://swampland.time.com/2011/08/02/the-debt-limit-debate-as-bipartisan-suicide-pact/
What I told my wife: “Go cook for me.”
What my wife heard: “You are a gook to me.”
July 2011
16 posts
I Spy
purplecatshats:
Stolen UPS Package
To the lovely human being who decided to grab the package off of my front porch, I hope you enjoy my Nook Color. As an addendum, I also hope you also become the personal pleasure tool of a large hobo who calls you his sugar darling while sodomizing you with what I can only hope is a rusty mace.
When: Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Where: Monroe Street
I saw a:...
“The last time I played Clue, I crossed everyone off. It must have been a...”
– My wife, an hour ago…